Excited and Frustrated at the same time

WOW what a day we have had in the world of adoption. I woke up this morning to find an event on my facebook that is a fundraiser for our adoption. A girl we know set this up for us. It is a raffle with four great prizes and after her first dai she has alreadi raised $45 dollars for us. I am so proud of her and appriciate her hard work imensli. Secondli I got the mail this afternoon and in it was a letter from a grant organization I applied to awarding us $4,000. I was told when I applied for this particular grant that there average awards were between $1,500 and $3,000. How we got $4,000 I'll never know, must have been God. Incredible. It made me do a happy dance in our living room. We are so close to having a baby I just know it. I am so excited.
        Here is where the frustration comes in. Mere moments after I got the mail (I was still jumping up and down in excitement) I received an email from the adoption agency. They had received the news of our grant and were letting us know. The way the grant works is they pay it to the adoption agency at the time we receive the baby. Generally this is not a problem. Every one knows the money is coming. At the end of this email our case worker says that we have a balance of  $197.00 on our account (this I knew, it is due before we go to the next fee) she continues that as soon as we pay this she can start showing our book to all the birth mothers. WAIT? WHAT? I thought they were showing our book to birth mothers for the last nine months and no one has chosen us  yet.  I was greatly confused and greatly frustrated because on several occasions now the agency has called us and asked our permission to show a book to a mother with health issues. Now so far none of these have worked out but I don't understand why they could show our book to those mothers when we hadn't paid the fee and not "regular mothers" Furthermore nobody told me this fee had to be paid before they showed our book and as I've said I thought they were showing it this whole time. I was so frustrated I wanted to cry because I felt like we have missed out on months we could have been matched with a baby. Dan says I should actually feel good about it because people haven't been looking at our book and not choosing us they just simply haven't been shown it. So hopefully once it starts getting shown someone will pick us very soon. Which again is only $197.00 away.
          The other day India and I were rocking in the chair in the baby room and she ask if I would love the new baby more then her. We proceeded to have a very sweet conversation about how she loves daddy and I the same but that were different like mommy is especially good for cuddling and daddy is especially good for wrestling and it will be the same way with how we love the baby. We will love baby just as much as her but there are certain things we can do with her and not the baby (like go to princesses on ice) and certain things only the baby can do (like eat bottles and go in the swing)  It was a great little conversation she is going to such a great big sister.

some news, no news

        Everyone has been asking me "have you heard anything about the adoption?"  The short answer and the one I think everyone means is NO. In that no we have not been placed with a birth mother yet. Or no a birth mother has not chosen us as adoptive parents yet. It has been almost nine months since we got put on the list for birth mothers to choose from. I asked our case worker if there was any sort of an update for us and she said no. She gave us some tips such as be open to visits and a relationship with the birth parents which we are. Also to make sure everyone we possibly know knows that we are wanting to adopt cause there may be somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody that feels they can not raise their child and wants them to be adopted. I think we have done this but hey if anyone reading this wants to help get the word out please feel free.
          I have been told and I know its true, that God does everything in His timing not ours and that He knows exactly what baby is right for us and we have to be patient. I know all this, but it is so hard. I feel like India (our five year old daughter) is getting older by the second and I'm worried about what kind of relationship they will have being so far apart in age.
           As always money to fund the adoption is on my mind and here I do have news. Thanks to our fantastic church who just paid the adoption agency $3,565.23 we only have $296.77 dollars to go before we can move on to the next payment area which is the placement fee of $13,350 which is due at the time of placing the baby in our home. I know this sounds like a lot still but we have come so far. and in the grand scheme of things its not that much. We have still not heard if we've been awarded any of the grants we applied for but I have heard from several that they have received all our information and will let us know soon. I personally talked to the lady from Life Song who will hopefully be giving us a loan of around $12,000 until we can get our adoption tax credit to pay them back. Anyway she sounded very hopeful for us and we should know from them in about two weeks. If that comes through and a few of the other grants we applied for we should be just fine. Furthermore we have one more big fundraiser we are doing. Our cousin who is a senior in high school has made our adoption her senior project and will be raising money among the high school students. She is so great I am so thankful for her and her giving heart.
           Thank you God for finding a way when I thought it was nearly impossible to come up with 28,000. Thank you God for giving us a heart to adopt a child that so needs a loving home and thank you God for bringing this child into our lives.